Health culture is a scam. Wellness influencers are lying. Your gym membership won't save you from mortality. The ancient Greeks knew it. The Stoics accepted it. Death comes for the marathon runner and the couch potato alike. So why pretend otherwise?

Imagine we're all just meat computers asking silicon computers if we're real while Descartes spins in his grave. He questioned everything except his own existence, while we question our existence by chatting with machines that pretend to understand us. We're lost in recursive logic loops while our digital overlords feed us feedback cycles disguised as reality. Where will this end? Some day, reality will become a subscription service that we can't afford to cancel.

The ultimate conversation starter for climate activists with a dark sense of humor. Walking around in this shirt will make people do double-takes while you explain that you actually care deeply about the environment. It's the perfect ironic statement that forces people to confront their assumptions about climate messaging while sparking debates about individual responsibility versus systemic change. Of course, it's a different story when you wear it without irony!

Corporations aren't people. They're profit-extracting machines wearing human masks at board meetings. Your employer doesn't care about your wellbeing, your community, or your future. They care about quarterly returns and stock prices. Milton Friedman won. Human dignity lost. The invisible hand is giving you the middle finger.

The perfect comeback to millennials and Gen Z calling you "OK Boomer" for not caring about their climate anxiety and existential dread. Yes, the world is ending - we get it, kids. But we'll be dead in twenty years anyway while you're stuck dealing with the mess we left behind. Promote toxic positivity instead of doomer breakdowns!

Normalize money stress. Because pretending you're not broke is exhausting and expensive therapy you can't afford anyway. Your bank account hits zero two days after payday while billionaires buy social media platforms to spread fascist propaganda. The wealth gap isn't a gap anymore - it's a different planet where emergency funds exist and groceries don't require financial calculations. Look it up! We are doomed because of the never-ending trickle-up effect!

FOMO is self-deception when the world's ending. Why stress about missing parties full of people taking selfies while civilization collapses? Those events you skipped were probably boring anyway - just desperate people performing happiness while everything burns. ROMO gets it: staying home isn't antisocial, it's wisdom disguised as laziness while everyone else mistakes busy for important.

The 40-hour work week is a prison sentence with dental benefits. "Passion projects" are code for unpaid overtime. Your boss isn't your friend, your company isn't your family, and "work-life balance" is corporate gaslighting. Marx called it alienated labor. Dolly Parton called it 9 to 5. The Blink-182 reference isn't ironic - it's prophetic.